I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

 

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

 

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.

 

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

 

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

 

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

 

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

 

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

 

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

 

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

 

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

 

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

 

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

 

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

 

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

 

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

 

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".